While living in Philadelphia, I met this really nice young OB/GYN doctor and we fell in “love.” A few weeks later I was pregnant and he wanted nothing to do with either of us and wanted me to abort his child, saying it “would ruin his life.” As a single girl with no other person to turn to, I agreed.
Well, three months later, I put out extra food for my cat, swallowed about 200+ pills, including 2 kinds of narcotics, with a fair-sized bottle of wine to “sleep faster.” It was New Year’s Eve and I could no longer live with what I had done. I was a murderer – of my own child. I woke up in a hospital bed after CPR to restart my heart. I had bruises the size of footballs as no one had padded the bed side rails, 5 (locked with a key) leather restraints (on wrists, ankles and waist ) as they said I woke up with a lot of violence, and I had tubes in every opening of my body. Depression followed. I had changed from a young lady looking forward to a bright future to one locked away in a horrible secret place.
For the next 21 years, each time I met someone to say hello, my first thought was ALWAYS, “If she only knew who I was, she’d hate me!” That repeated in my mind over and over for 21 years. Not even God could forgive this! I named my baby Amy and never forgot her.
Then a miracle happened. My church had a weeklong retreat on “Returning to God” with confession available at the end of each day’s session. After the 4th day of the retreat, I slipped into the confessional and told the visiting priest about my abortion and 21 years of pain that followed. It was the first time I admitted out loud the secret I carried deep inside for so long. He asked me if I had ever confessed this before and I said no, that I was unable to do so. There was too much guilt and shame to say it out loud.
That night after the confession, I had the most wonderful dream. I saw a blinding bright light which turned out to be millions and millions of tiny bright babies (newborn- sized) dressed in blinding white robes, out of which a tiny light floated toward me. It was a tiny (full-term) baby with dazzling bright white hair, eyes, body, and clothing. She introduced herself to me, saying, “Hi, I’m Amy. I love you, Mommy.” And she thanked me for giving her a name. Amy told me she is happy in Heaven; that she doesn’t hate me, that she understands why I did what I did, that she loves me and I will see her some day. After the dream ended, I cried hard for several days – and the healing finally began.
Today, I am happily married to a wonderful man and we havetwo2 children and three grandchildren whom I love. My daughter is a single mom of a 4-year-old son, Kobe. She struggles at times and we help her, but she says with great joy that Kobe is THE best thing that ever happened to her. She’s a good, happy mom.
As for me, I have three children – two with me, and one in Heaven.
Pat Cabalse is one of the dedicated volunteers at HRTL